My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
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¯_(ツ)_/¯
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww