Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
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Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
This is painfully accurate 😅
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.