3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
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For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Bring back the McRib
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.