Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.