Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
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Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running