If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
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I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
i choose….tongue
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping