If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*