If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
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I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
🥶🥶🐶🐶
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*