Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
You Might Also Like
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
we’re gonna need another temp
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”