(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
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The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…