Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Lmao 🤣
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”