I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
![]()
You Might Also Like
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History