[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
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HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?