[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
File under excellent bookstore names.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My current situation
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay