texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere