“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
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Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)