me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do