just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.