I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii