My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Everyone’s family
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile