my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.