I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
You Might Also Like
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Attacked by a mop.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The internet is magic sometimes.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.