I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
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CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.