[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
oh u like geography? name every lake
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
yea so i messed up lol
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?