make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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.
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.
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.