[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
You Might Also Like
😏😏😏
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.