You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Möther may I have a snäck
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*