3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*