INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
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I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.