Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters