A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
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My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I鈥檇 call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
When I laugh on my period
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn鈥檛 have to remember where he parked.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
So creative 馃槀
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn鈥檛 even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Lube but for my dry humor.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I鈥檓 wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.