I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.