I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.