A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
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*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU鈥橰E GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where鈥檚 your pants?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can鈥檛 stand ice skating
me: you鈥檒l be able to with practice
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Guantanamo Bae
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 馃
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work鈥ike girl. All this and half your mess can鈥檛 get a season 2??? Be fr
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.