Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”