‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
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The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.