Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?