When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Love this guy
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.