My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
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A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
this is what they would have looked like, though
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Cucumbers Anonymous