When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“That’s what” – She
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Friends that check up on you >
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!