WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?