My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
just witnessed a drug deal
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?