Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
your honor my client chooses dare