Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
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I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life