Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
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Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
🙂🙃🥹
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.