Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
He’s cranky this morning
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month