Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]