Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing