Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
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Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.