If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Got him!
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*