Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
#Thanos #MondayMood
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.